I just wanna write.

This day is long. I'm tired. The class I am in right now is going to be 4 hours long. My teacher is literally sitting right in front of me, lecturing and I couldn't care less. I wish I could go home and sleep. Do I have to watch this movie again?

But enough about my current winging. 

I am in transition and I don't really want to be. I want it to be over and to be able to breath again. 

During my spring break I was in Boston to have a meeting with a potential professor. Ya, I know. I'm writing on my NCSA (University, if you want) Art History commonplace and I want to talk about my transfer plans. 

Well, we went through the facilities and he seemed to like me. But...I didn't really talk to him. I talked, but not to the extent I would have liked. My mom talked a lot - probably because she wanted to ensure that he knew how awesome I am. As usual, like every situation or event that occurs in my life, I felt what happened didn't go well, I doubted myself, and I feel I didn't show myself or even show a good side of myself. So, I'm beating myself for everything.

Also, I felt like I was a senior again applying to college for the first time, my parents leading the way. 

Why can't I be independent? And why can't I stop hating myself?

I am completely loved. My family is great. I am learning every day. I'm attractive and healthy. I love many people. 

So...what is the goddamn problem?

Okay. Tangent time.

I want to fill my life with art. I want to love and to feel truly satisfied and happy. I want to be so full of these things, that the skin which holds my body together is bursting open. This world I live in seems like it could give less of a shit about my hopes and dreams. The art does care, my family cares, my significant other cares, but the rest of the world seems to hate me with all of its being. Why is it this way? I am currently very afraid for my future, the future of the world's animal life, and for the future of the world's nations. I am deathly afraid this standstill of relative content is going to dissolve into some horrifying chaos that nothing I will do can stop. I am full of this fear. And I want to stop it from happening. What can I do though? 

How many more questions can I ask? <- case in point

My Fridays here are good though. I love to have my  lunches with my good friend Yoko. It feels like a moment back in Japan, where things are simpler and the cicadas are singing, I'm on a bus to a temple, and outside I was the sun set with a green tea crepe in my hand. You may find this happiness trivial and silly, but it means a hell of a lot to me.

Food means a lot. Maybe thats why I'm a tiny bit overweight. Maybe thats why I'm happiest with the people I love, talking and eating. If you don't have good food, why the hell are you alive? Thats what makes me so fervent about eradicating hunger in the world. People deserve to eat and eat damn well. If I had the money I would hold a big dinner for all the hungry children in the world every day of the year. I want people to be happy. And I guess to me that means food. 

I don't want to watch Amores Perros again. It made me hate the world just a fraction more. No thanks.

And why the fuck can't I watch a happy movie in this class? Next week is fucking City of God. AGAIN? Salaam Bombay? AGAIN? Heavenly Creatures? AGAIN?